Routine

Once again it's been a while since I last blogged, but my reason behind it was that everyday since the last time I posted has been the same day. That's such a bizarre and almost terrifying thought that for little over a week I was living the same day over and over again with out a change.

Kind of like groundhog's day but without Bill Murray and the lols.

Last Friday was a very hard day for me, and for the whole day I just wanted to give up on everything and anything that involved my life. As I sat in front of my desk I mechanically did my paper work, and filed orders, but on the inside all I wished for was to disappear. I imagined myself  just fading away like those corny cliche movie tricks.

It's no surprise that behind all this angst was my mom lashing out at me with her overly harsh criticism on how poorly I am living my life. What was worse was after she had upset me she went on to say she was just kidding, but of course I knew she meant the things she had said. What was different this time is when she says things I usually believe they are wrong, but for once I thought, what if she's right? As possible as it is to achieve anything there's still equally or a greater possibility to not achieve anything.

Someone is always telling me what to do or how I'm not doing it right. What I have learned so far  as that the people who bring me down are people who are already down themselves. Sometimes I feel like I am down there in that dark place and I feel the moments where I want to conform and give up on myself and just accept I can never go further than where I am now, but that's not me. I have to at least see the ending of this movie before I can say if it really sucked.

The weekend was spent on me just questioning everything to the point where it made me sick. Something that I frequently worry about is my relationship. I wonder if I am becoming less of a girlfriend and more of a nagging motherly figure, or just a girl friend with very special benefits. When these thoughts erupt I think back to my old roommate Roxanne, destroyer of friendships, queen of insecurity,  duchess of douchebaggery, etc etc. I remember her saying that my relationship was nothing more than a honeymoon phase, and that everything will eventually fall into a monotonous burden. I wish she were here right now so I could punch her in the face with a brick, and not because I believe she was right, but because her own unhappiness in her loveless relationship always drove her to try and ruin other people's romances.

I take pride in my relationship when I say that when I see Kieran I still feel little flutters in my stomach, still blush a little when he gives me kisses, and get giddy when I get to see him. That's a pretty big deal since after 6 months with previous relationships I would already be bored and just wait until the relationship would collapse into a bad break up. I'm sure square-head children are in the distant future, until then I just have to say I am very happy, but to be honest there are things that were experienced before that haven't been around for a while and that's what makes me worry if I really am doing a good job or not.

There's still more that I think about, but I will save that for another blog entry and hopefully the next one will be a little bit more uplifting that this emo rant.

poop

The good and the bad is what I have to write about today so I will start with some of the bad, first being I have been slacking a little in this blog quest and that's a bummer on my end because I encouraged so many people to come along on this journey. The good news on that is I read everyone's blog and everyone is doing so well and really making great strides (big claps for you guys because I <3 you so much) Second is I'm getting back into the flow of the blog now that the worst of my fears are over and I can now think about all the wonderful things in life that I miss out on.

More of the bad is that over this weekend me and my dearest had a pretty huge blow up and a lot of things were said. Some of the things said towards me were pretty hurtful but it as my brain began to process everything I started to realize how much I have let myself down as an artist and just as a go-getter. For the past couple of months I have been debating in my mind whether or not I am just being a realist and just waiting for my time to shine and explode on the scene, or am I just giving in to this routine and being content with all this mediocrity?  This is causing an internal identity crisis because I feel I can see myself surrounded by all these personas that I could be but I don't know who I am yet, and hopefully by the end of the year I  will have a better idea of who I will be.

More bad with a plus, I was doing so well on my diet until this weekend where I just became so terrible because I ate a total of three pizzas, a cheesesteak, cheese fries, and then famous Dave's between Friday thru Sunday. I wish I could throw up everything but it has all been digested already, my tummy is happy but I'm not so I hit the work out hard today and plan on being extra strict to make up for that bad weekend.

Work is work, but a little less boring and I haven't found out yet what my pay raise is yet, but I hope it's a lot or else I am going to have an annoyed. So far it's a  lot less boring than counting giant boxes of paper all day, but we shall see where it goes from here after all it's only been the first day.

Over the weekend Elaine and Dmitry came down to visit which was the best because I almost forgot how much fun and hilarious they are, which then in turn made me think about how crazy it would be to get everyone back together one day.  I still miss everyone everyday, but it was a great little break from the loneliness with out the bros.

 I know I've been saying this since day one, but I just have to keep saying it because I know it's true and that's good things are going to come my way and I just have to keep beingpositive

Stagnant

{insert the thoughts and turmoil of my mind} bleh

ooooooh W00T!

Today was the day I have been waiting for and that was to hear that I had passed my hair test at my job. Now I can finally go back to sleep at night with out the knots in my stomach keeping me awake. Thanks to everyone's support and concerns for me during this because it really helped.

Now to tackle some more obstacles!

T.V Land

It was a lazy Sunday and my kitty and I slept in all morning together which was great because my crappy job kinda cuts in on me and noodle time.

Anyways it's no secret that I am pretty miserable without my bros and I've been lacking in the creative outlet for some time now. I know I need to get out of this funk and I've been hearing it a millions time from everyone that things will look up, keep being positive, and/ or not to worry. As much as I appreciate the huge boost of confidence from everyone I care about I'm really just waiting for that moment where things just align in my mind and everything just turns on. I'm going to get a little nerdy when I say that me getting back into the groove of things is like When Vegeta finally turned into a super saiyan, it was when he stopped trying so hard to be what he wanted and just said fuck it! (well of course he didn't say that but it would have been really cool) it wasn't until he did that that the universe came full circle and he turned super saiyan.

I just need to do the same. I just need to stop trying so hard to be someone Im not yet..if that makes any sense?

Today the stress was trying to take over me again, and I found a little escape from it by watching T.V. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my whole life was spent in front of the television and nothing ever bothered me until I wasn't watching t.v anymore. It got the gears in my head moving because I wasn't sitting in silence with my own terrible thoughts or listening to my parents.

If anyone has some good shows to watch let me know, so far I want to get into Community because it's super funny.

ummm....

I think I'm going crazy...