Routine

Once again it's been a while since I last blogged, but my reason behind it was that everyday since the last time I posted has been the same day. That's such a bizarre and almost terrifying thought that for little over a week I was living the same day over and over again with out a change.

Kind of like groundhog's day but without Bill Murray and the lols.

Last Friday was a very hard day for me, and for the whole day I just wanted to give up on everything and anything that involved my life. As I sat in front of my desk I mechanically did my paper work, and filed orders, but on the inside all I wished for was to disappear. I imagined myself  just fading away like those corny cliche movie tricks.

It's no surprise that behind all this angst was my mom lashing out at me with her overly harsh criticism on how poorly I am living my life. What was worse was after she had upset me she went on to say she was just kidding, but of course I knew she meant the things she had said. What was different this time is when she says things I usually believe they are wrong, but for once I thought, what if she's right? As possible as it is to achieve anything there's still equally or a greater possibility to not achieve anything.

Someone is always telling me what to do or how I'm not doing it right. What I have learned so far  as that the people who bring me down are people who are already down themselves. Sometimes I feel like I am down there in that dark place and I feel the moments where I want to conform and give up on myself and just accept I can never go further than where I am now, but that's not me. I have to at least see the ending of this movie before I can say if it really sucked.

The weekend was spent on me just questioning everything to the point where it made me sick. Something that I frequently worry about is my relationship. I wonder if I am becoming less of a girlfriend and more of a nagging motherly figure, or just a girl friend with very special benefits. When these thoughts erupt I think back to my old roommate Roxanne, destroyer of friendships, queen of insecurity,  duchess of douchebaggery, etc etc. I remember her saying that my relationship was nothing more than a honeymoon phase, and that everything will eventually fall into a monotonous burden. I wish she were here right now so I could punch her in the face with a brick, and not because I believe she was right, but because her own unhappiness in her loveless relationship always drove her to try and ruin other people's romances.

I take pride in my relationship when I say that when I see Kieran I still feel little flutters in my stomach, still blush a little when he gives me kisses, and get giddy when I get to see him. That's a pretty big deal since after 6 months with previous relationships I would already be bored and just wait until the relationship would collapse into a bad break up. I'm sure square-head children are in the distant future, until then I just have to say I am very happy, but to be honest there are things that were experienced before that haven't been around for a while and that's what makes me worry if I really am doing a good job or not.

There's still more that I think about, but I will save that for another blog entry and hopefully the next one will be a little bit more uplifting that this emo rant.