A while back me and Kieran attended the ADCP (art director's club of philadelphia) event that Rebecca sent out. At first I wasn't going to go, but somewhere in my mind where it was fed up of the same crap, the same questions, and the same worries just said to me "Just go." The part of me that didn't want to go was more than just out of laziness, but a bit of fear. I was afraid of going and all these people that are way more talented would just look and talk about me the way I use to about some students at school that were just plain terrible.
It was a good thing I over came that fear that night and went. Although 99.9% of people there were already well established art directors we found some students there that shared the same worries as me an Kieran do. The best part for me was when I stood in front of the panal of art directors and asked the question that we all wanted to know in AIPH "what more do we have to do to be apart of the industry?"
to be continued...I'm at work writing this lol
Monday, April 4, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
tats and sneaks
On March 26th 2011 I got my first tattoo.
Pretty awesome right?
I will post a picture up later, but to explain it its a black crescent moon with a black cat silhouetted on the inside with 3 stars in it. I was debating for a long time what tattoo to get and where to get it until I finally decided.
I know I haven't posted a blog up in forever, which still makes me a little bummed but as I said before nothing about the days jump out at me. When I got this tattoo I thought I would feel different, I thought a part of me would be satisfied and a new window would be opened somewhere in my mind.
But it didn't happen, I just felt that what I did was pretty cool and different, but not tremendously amazing. It didn't feel like a milestone or an accomplishment but just a rush due to sponeity.
What made more of an impact was buying my first pair of NIKE sneakers. For once I bought something that wasn't from a thrift store, clearance rack, back of a truck, or a hand me down. It was something I needed, I worked for it, I got it, and I was happy. I'm not knocking on the thrifty way of shopping because it's amazing, but sub consciously I was feeling that I wasn't meant to have nicer things, that I was just suppose to settle for less and what was a necessity; basic, particle, useful. It's great to indulge once in a while especially when you worked for it...it just adds a little meaning to me being such a busy beaver since for a while I thought I was just working to eat, sleep, work, and die eventually.
Going back to the tattoo I feel I really found something that expresses me in a permanent symbol right below my neck. It was on the to do list of this year so when I think about it I'm losing weight, I got a tattoo, so now I just have to get a better job, place to live, a car, and go on the greatest vacation ever.
2 out of 6 goals in 3 months looks pretty good so far...I guess.
Pretty awesome right?
I will post a picture up later, but to explain it its a black crescent moon with a black cat silhouetted on the inside with 3 stars in it. I was debating for a long time what tattoo to get and where to get it until I finally decided.
I know I haven't posted a blog up in forever, which still makes me a little bummed but as I said before nothing about the days jump out at me. When I got this tattoo I thought I would feel different, I thought a part of me would be satisfied and a new window would be opened somewhere in my mind.
But it didn't happen, I just felt that what I did was pretty cool and different, but not tremendously amazing. It didn't feel like a milestone or an accomplishment but just a rush due to sponeity.
What made more of an impact was buying my first pair of NIKE sneakers. For once I bought something that wasn't from a thrift store, clearance rack, back of a truck, or a hand me down. It was something I needed, I worked for it, I got it, and I was happy. I'm not knocking on the thrifty way of shopping because it's amazing, but sub consciously I was feeling that I wasn't meant to have nicer things, that I was just suppose to settle for less and what was a necessity; basic, particle, useful. It's great to indulge once in a while especially when you worked for it...it just adds a little meaning to me being such a busy beaver since for a while I thought I was just working to eat, sleep, work, and die eventually.
Going back to the tattoo I feel I really found something that expresses me in a permanent symbol right below my neck. It was on the to do list of this year so when I think about it I'm losing weight, I got a tattoo, so now I just have to get a better job, place to live, a car, and go on the greatest vacation ever.
2 out of 6 goals in 3 months looks pretty good so far...I guess.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Randomniscity
I really can't connect the thoughts that I have right now. I can only toss them out like a new puzzle and try to see the bigger picture eventually.
I want to see my friends again, but every time I get a chance it's like the universe keeps me in a corner like a bad kid in school.
Sometimes I want time apart but the time we spend together turns into time well spent.
I really hate kids so damn much. The only thing that gives me a bigger panic attack than spending the rest of my life with brats is seeing a roach.
It's crazy that if you never try to do anything you're a loser
If you just seem to get by you're considered lucky
But what is the word for when you try your hardest and still don't succeed?
My kitties make me laugh, which is good because I don't laugh too often.
Everyone hates my boss, but there had to have been a time when she had dreams and she was the person everyone liked.
I really need to stop wishing everyday I was someone else because someone out there probably wishes they were me.
I want to see my friends again, but every time I get a chance it's like the universe keeps me in a corner like a bad kid in school.
Sometimes I want time apart but the time we spend together turns into time well spent.
I really hate kids so damn much. The only thing that gives me a bigger panic attack than spending the rest of my life with brats is seeing a roach.
It's crazy that if you never try to do anything you're a loser
If you just seem to get by you're considered lucky
But what is the word for when you try your hardest and still don't succeed?
My kitties make me laugh, which is good because I don't laugh too often.
Everyone hates my boss, but there had to have been a time when she had dreams and she was the person everyone liked.
I really need to stop wishing everyday I was someone else because someone out there probably wishes they were me.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Routine
Once again it's been a while since I last blogged, but my reason behind it was that everyday since the last time I posted has been the same day. That's such a bizarre and almost terrifying thought that for little over a week I was living the same day over and over again with out a change.
Kind of like groundhog's day but without Bill Murray and the lols.
Last Friday was a very hard day for me, and for the whole day I just wanted to give up on everything and anything that involved my life. As I sat in front of my desk I mechanically did my paper work, and filed orders, but on the inside all I wished for was to disappear. I imagined myself just fading away like those corny cliche movie tricks.
It's no surprise that behind all this angst was my mom lashing out at me with her overly harsh criticism on how poorly I am living my life. What was worse was after she had upset me she went on to say she was just kidding, but of course I knew she meant the things she had said. What was different this time is when she says things I usually believe they are wrong, but for once I thought, what if she's right? As possible as it is to achieve anything there's still equally or a greater possibility to not achieve anything.
Someone is always telling me what to do or how I'm not doing it right. What I have learned so far as that the people who bring me down are people who are already down themselves. Sometimes I feel like I am down there in that dark place and I feel the moments where I want to conform and give up on myself and just accept I can never go further than where I am now, but that's not me. I have to at least see the ending of this movie before I can say if it really sucked.
The weekend was spent on me just questioning everything to the point where it made me sick. Something that I frequently worry about is my relationship. I wonder if I am becoming less of a girlfriend and more of a nagging motherly figure, or just a girl friend with very special benefits. When these thoughts erupt I think back to my old roommate Roxanne, destroyer of friendships, queen of insecurity, duchess of douchebaggery, etc etc. I remember her saying that my relationship was nothing more than a honeymoon phase, and that everything will eventually fall into a monotonous burden. I wish she were here right now so I could punch her in the face with a brick, and not because I believe she was right, but because her own unhappiness in her loveless relationship always drove her to try and ruin other people's romances.
I take pride in my relationship when I say that when I see Kieran I still feel little flutters in my stomach, still blush a little when he gives me kisses, and get giddy when I get to see him. That's a pretty big deal since after 6 months with previous relationships I would already be bored and just wait until the relationship would collapse into a bad break up. I'm sure square-head children are in the distant future, until then I just have to say I am very happy, but to be honest there are things that were experienced before that haven't been around for a while and that's what makes me worry if I really am doing a good job or not.
There's still more that I think about, but I will save that for another blog entry and hopefully the next one will be a little bit more uplifting that this emo rant.
Kind of like groundhog's day but without Bill Murray and the lols.
Last Friday was a very hard day for me, and for the whole day I just wanted to give up on everything and anything that involved my life. As I sat in front of my desk I mechanically did my paper work, and filed orders, but on the inside all I wished for was to disappear. I imagined myself just fading away like those corny cliche movie tricks.
It's no surprise that behind all this angst was my mom lashing out at me with her overly harsh criticism on how poorly I am living my life. What was worse was after she had upset me she went on to say she was just kidding, but of course I knew she meant the things she had said. What was different this time is when she says things I usually believe they are wrong, but for once I thought, what if she's right? As possible as it is to achieve anything there's still equally or a greater possibility to not achieve anything.
Someone is always telling me what to do or how I'm not doing it right. What I have learned so far as that the people who bring me down are people who are already down themselves. Sometimes I feel like I am down there in that dark place and I feel the moments where I want to conform and give up on myself and just accept I can never go further than where I am now, but that's not me. I have to at least see the ending of this movie before I can say if it really sucked.
The weekend was spent on me just questioning everything to the point where it made me sick. Something that I frequently worry about is my relationship. I wonder if I am becoming less of a girlfriend and more of a nagging motherly figure, or just a girl friend with very special benefits. When these thoughts erupt I think back to my old roommate Roxanne, destroyer of friendships, queen of insecurity, duchess of douchebaggery, etc etc. I remember her saying that my relationship was nothing more than a honeymoon phase, and that everything will eventually fall into a monotonous burden. I wish she were here right now so I could punch her in the face with a brick, and not because I believe she was right, but because her own unhappiness in her loveless relationship always drove her to try and ruin other people's romances.
I take pride in my relationship when I say that when I see Kieran I still feel little flutters in my stomach, still blush a little when he gives me kisses, and get giddy when I get to see him. That's a pretty big deal since after 6 months with previous relationships I would already be bored and just wait until the relationship would collapse into a bad break up. I'm sure square-head children are in the distant future, until then I just have to say I am very happy, but to be honest there are things that were experienced before that haven't been around for a while and that's what makes me worry if I really am doing a good job or not.
There's still more that I think about, but I will save that for another blog entry and hopefully the next one will be a little bit more uplifting that this emo rant.
Monday, February 14, 2011
poop
The good and the bad is what I have to write about today so I will start with some of the bad, first being I have been slacking a little in this blog quest and that's a bummer on my end because I encouraged so many people to come along on this journey. The good news on that is I read everyone's blog and everyone is doing so well and really making great strides (big claps for you guys because I <3 you so much) Second is I'm getting back into the flow of the blog now that the worst of my fears are over and I can now think about all the wonderful things in life that I miss out on.
More of the bad is that over this weekend me and my dearest had a pretty huge blow up and a lot of things were said. Some of the things said towards me were pretty hurtful but it as my brain began to process everything I started to realize how much I have let myself down as an artist and just as a go-getter. For the past couple of months I have been debating in my mind whether or not I am just being a realist and just waiting for my time to shine and explode on the scene, or am I just giving in to this routine and being content with all this mediocrity? This is causing an internal identity crisis because I feel I can see myself surrounded by all these personas that I could be but I don't know who I am yet, and hopefully by the end of the year I will have a better idea of who I will be.
More bad with a plus, I was doing so well on my diet until this weekend where I just became so terrible because I ate a total of three pizzas, a cheesesteak, cheese fries, and then famous Dave's between Friday thru Sunday. I wish I could throw up everything but it has all been digested already, my tummy is happy but I'm not so I hit the work out hard today and plan on being extra strict to make up for that bad weekend.
Work is work, but a little less boring and I haven't found out yet what my pay raise is yet, but I hope it's a lot or else I am going to have an annoyed. So far it's a lot less boring than counting giant boxes of paper all day, but we shall see where it goes from here after all it's only been the first day.
Over the weekend Elaine and Dmitry came down to visit which was the best because I almost forgot how much fun and hilarious they are, which then in turn made me think about how crazy it would be to get everyone back together one day. I still miss everyone everyday, but it was a great little break from the loneliness with out the bros.
I know I've been saying this since day one, but I just have to keep saying it because I know it's true and that's good things are going to come my way and I just have to keep beingpositive
More of the bad is that over this weekend me and my dearest had a pretty huge blow up and a lot of things were said. Some of the things said towards me were pretty hurtful but it as my brain began to process everything I started to realize how much I have let myself down as an artist and just as a go-getter. For the past couple of months I have been debating in my mind whether or not I am just being a realist and just waiting for my time to shine and explode on the scene, or am I just giving in to this routine and being content with all this mediocrity? This is causing an internal identity crisis because I feel I can see myself surrounded by all these personas that I could be but I don't know who I am yet, and hopefully by the end of the year I will have a better idea of who I will be.
More bad with a plus, I was doing so well on my diet until this weekend where I just became so terrible because I ate a total of three pizzas, a cheesesteak, cheese fries, and then famous Dave's between Friday thru Sunday. I wish I could throw up everything but it has all been digested already, my tummy is happy but I'm not so I hit the work out hard today and plan on being extra strict to make up for that bad weekend.
Work is work, but a little less boring and I haven't found out yet what my pay raise is yet, but I hope it's a lot or else I am going to have an annoyed. So far it's a lot less boring than counting giant boxes of paper all day, but we shall see where it goes from here after all it's only been the first day.
Over the weekend Elaine and Dmitry came down to visit which was the best because I almost forgot how much fun and hilarious they are, which then in turn made me think about how crazy it would be to get everyone back together one day. I still miss everyone everyday, but it was a great little break from the loneliness with out the bros.
I know I've been saying this since day one, but I just have to keep saying it because I know it's true and that's good things are going to come my way and I just have to keep beingpositive
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
ooooooh W00T!
Today was the day I have been waiting for and that was to hear that I had passed my hair test at my job. Now I can finally go back to sleep at night with out the knots in my stomach keeping me awake. Thanks to everyone's support and concerns for me during this because it really helped.
Now to tackle some more obstacles!
Now to tackle some more obstacles!
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