As I start this year long journey I just have to get off my chest why I am doing this and the only way I can start is by saying what caused this mess I call my life.
I will start with my Mom, and how I reached a point where my brain developed a way to turn her voice into a murmured hum. If anyone knew the super-snotty cheerleader who was the popular mean girl from high school (or even the ones on tv) then remember how they were then imagine if she grew up to be your mom. While my Mom was never a cheerleader a day in her life she was the mean girl of her age and fragments have carried over to motherhood. As long back as I can remember there wasn't a day she hasn't called me fat or pointed out how fat I was getting.
Up next is my Dad, his extreme bipolar disorder (which has never been treated and never will be) is something I don't think I can ever really forgive. While my Mom and Sister did receive the worst of his behavior they still accepted it while complaining together about it behind his back. I, other hand, could never stand his constant need to humiliate and offend people just to feed his withering ego. Aside from his screaming I'd have to say the worst trait about him is how he makes me feel like my life would have been NOTHING if it weren't for him and that I am just an idiot and will always be an idiot because my brain should have been put in my ass and not my head. His parenting reminds me a lot like my paycheck, his personality is as gray as the paper, and I just take the money and the parenting is done.
Finally is my Sister. I don't even know where to begin with her, but for starters every bad habit about my parents is mashed up to make her personality. Her insecurity over her overweight body always finds a way to make me have a guilty feeling towards my own body, she will randomly yell and offend anyone for even the minimalistic disagreement, and she has perfected the art of lying and deceiving.
I write this about them not to be a jerk towards them and just rant about how they are mean towards me sometimes, but because it's really how I feel and it's the foundation of why I need this change in my life. Too long have I let their opinions and harsh words bring me down to the point where if the world ended it would be perfectly ok, even almost a relief. To be fair they are not like this all the time. I do enjoy when my Mom makes me clothes and yells at my Dad when he makes upset, when my Sister wants everyone to play board games and says she loves everyone, or when my Dad makes corny jokes and takes everyone out to dinner. Unfortunately there are more bad times than good which has led me to not even be happy anymore when the good times roll around because I know it's only a matter of time before everything fades back into a dark place to be in
The slow painful realization that I have lived my live all wrong just to please them has made me feel, for the last couple of years, an anger and self-loathing that has consumed me. For anyone who knows me they know I can be very angry, hateful, proud, spiteful, unforgiving and sometimes hurtful, but that I try hard to be kind, patient, helpful as possible.
I do want to change my life and accomplish things, lose weight, and find a better job, but the real main goal for this year is to build a new foundation in my life and change myself completely. I'm tired of the whole angry, sarcastic, negative persona because that's not how I want to be remembered at all. Everyday I think of the person I really wanted to be and how if only I knew then what I know now I would be that person today.
If I could be the perfect person I would have to say it would be comprised of Dan's carefree-ness, Gee's humor, Jack's charm, Elaine's courage, Jess's amicability, Kieran's infinite knowledge, Eric's harmony, Andres's talent, and Nicole's fashion sense. I know in actuality I can't be these people or posses their traits, but I can say they (and many other people) continue to inspire me and motivate me. Also my family motivates me too for change because I am tired of feeling resentful and borderline hateful towards them. I just really want to start over again and at least say i tried if I fail at this.
Congratulations Kameele! Welcome to adulthood. The adulthood of the real world. A difficult step (that not everyone gets to take) is learning that your parents are like the rest of society, flawed human beings. As children, we idolize them and automatically overlook any of their shortcomings. It's when we, as adults, take a real look at them that we see that they're not perfect, and that we're not either. You've taken the first step of discovery, and deciding to make changes in your life (and yourself) for the better. This doesn't happen for everyone. Some people live their life with blinders on, believing that their parents are perfect, so they must be too. Nothing is perfect, but learning from mistakes (of others and ourselves) is the first step. I'm proud that you've taken this difficult discovery and are using it to remake yourself into a changed, better person. Good Luck and Cheers!
ReplyDeleteKam, I'm proud of you. As a kid family tend to shape who we become, but as an adult you can rebuild that. I am honored to be on your list of people and for all things for my charm. I hope to continue to help you become the person you want to be.
ReplyDeleteBravo.
ReplyDeleteThis....is WONDERFUL.
You and I have so much in common that it's almost ridiculous. I never knew...
My life is a lot of anger and hatred and yelling and insults. I never could escape it. You are a beautiful woman! (ugh...trust me, you are!) And I can definitely relate to your remarks regarding living this kinda bitter sarcastic existence....it's hard to know how to act with dysfunctional people anymore because they never change and you run out of ways to deal with them. They're unpredictable, insensitive, and selfish. It's always negative negative negative. I'm with ya sister.
And let me tell ya, you're really freggin' brave. And I DO feel like this is what we really need. It's time!
And the adjective used in my favor was...needless to say...beautiful. No one EVER in my family see's anything good, and the word you used to describe it, is exactly what I've aimed for in myself for years. Thanks love.
Keep writing. I'll keep reading. Great job