Ribbons

Yesterday I missed a post...bleh! I am trying not to feel bad about it so moving on.

Friday was a very intense day because it was the 3rd and final day of feuding with my Dad. Now comes the time of peace and where everyone pretends things are good until more fights come up in the future. It's a very predictable routine and fighting it hasn't gotten me anywhere so I just have to go with it.

Today I was straying away from my goals and the strong positive steam I had in the beginning of all this was fading. I felt the familiar feeling of just not believing in myself anymore cloud over me. I know I go into these moments of putting myself down because somewhere in my mind the more I do it the more it gives me the motivation later to do something. I don't know why this happens and why I can't just skip the bullshit and just go into the motivation part. I feel motivated right now to do more things but the trick this time is to actually hold onto to it and have something to finally show.

Talking to Kieran about it kind of put things in perspective, but there are just some things not adding up for me. He says that I just accept my circumstances and don't strive to work harder for the things I really want, which then leads to me being very miserable. However, I feel that I am just trying to be realistic and play the cards that I have been dealt with wisely. I don't want to be complacent and fall into some horrible cycle, but as of right now I have to be where I don't want to be and make the best of it.

When I came home I saw that there was a ribbon around one of my beloved cat statues. It was there because a few days ago my nephew broke it and my mom fixed it by re-gluing the pieces back and covering the cracks with a nice ribbon making the statue look even better than the day I bought it.I felt this overwhelming sadness when it broke but when I think about it now I feel this huge metaphor right in my face.

The statue, I feel, resembles my life just sitting there and existing. Then one day all this misfortune shatters my way of living, thinking and feeling. Just when I think things can't get any worse and that this is how things are going to be forever time passes and this ribbon, that I think represents my future, repairs everything and I will be a much better person than I was before. That is what I believe so far and I hoping I am not just talking a lot of shit.

*update*

On the weight loss thing I am almost at losing 20 pounds, how did I celebrate? I ate a donut! I was a little bad this week with the food (I blame my horrible period) but this week is a new week so it's time to get back into gear and lose 40 more pounds.