A while back me and Kieran attended the ADCP (art director's club of philadelphia) event that Rebecca sent out. At first I wasn't going to go, but somewhere in my mind where it was fed up of the same crap, the same questions, and the same worries just said to me "Just go." The part of me that didn't want to go was more than just out of laziness, but a bit of fear. I was afraid of going and all these people that are way more talented would just look and talk about me the way I use to about some students at school that were just plain terrible.
It was a good thing I over came that fear that night and went. Although 99.9% of people there were already well established art directors we found some students there that shared the same worries as me an Kieran do. The best part for me was when I stood in front of the panal of art directors and asked the question that we all wanted to know in AIPH "what more do we have to do to be apart of the industry?"
to be continued...I'm at work writing this lol
Monday, April 4, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
tats and sneaks
On March 26th 2011 I got my first tattoo.
Pretty awesome right?
I will post a picture up later, but to explain it its a black crescent moon with a black cat silhouetted on the inside with 3 stars in it. I was debating for a long time what tattoo to get and where to get it until I finally decided.
I know I haven't posted a blog up in forever, which still makes me a little bummed but as I said before nothing about the days jump out at me. When I got this tattoo I thought I would feel different, I thought a part of me would be satisfied and a new window would be opened somewhere in my mind.
But it didn't happen, I just felt that what I did was pretty cool and different, but not tremendously amazing. It didn't feel like a milestone or an accomplishment but just a rush due to sponeity.
What made more of an impact was buying my first pair of NIKE sneakers. For once I bought something that wasn't from a thrift store, clearance rack, back of a truck, or a hand me down. It was something I needed, I worked for it, I got it, and I was happy. I'm not knocking on the thrifty way of shopping because it's amazing, but sub consciously I was feeling that I wasn't meant to have nicer things, that I was just suppose to settle for less and what was a necessity; basic, particle, useful. It's great to indulge once in a while especially when you worked for it...it just adds a little meaning to me being such a busy beaver since for a while I thought I was just working to eat, sleep, work, and die eventually.
Going back to the tattoo I feel I really found something that expresses me in a permanent symbol right below my neck. It was on the to do list of this year so when I think about it I'm losing weight, I got a tattoo, so now I just have to get a better job, place to live, a car, and go on the greatest vacation ever.
2 out of 6 goals in 3 months looks pretty good so far...I guess.
Pretty awesome right?
I will post a picture up later, but to explain it its a black crescent moon with a black cat silhouetted on the inside with 3 stars in it. I was debating for a long time what tattoo to get and where to get it until I finally decided.
I know I haven't posted a blog up in forever, which still makes me a little bummed but as I said before nothing about the days jump out at me. When I got this tattoo I thought I would feel different, I thought a part of me would be satisfied and a new window would be opened somewhere in my mind.
But it didn't happen, I just felt that what I did was pretty cool and different, but not tremendously amazing. It didn't feel like a milestone or an accomplishment but just a rush due to sponeity.
What made more of an impact was buying my first pair of NIKE sneakers. For once I bought something that wasn't from a thrift store, clearance rack, back of a truck, or a hand me down. It was something I needed, I worked for it, I got it, and I was happy. I'm not knocking on the thrifty way of shopping because it's amazing, but sub consciously I was feeling that I wasn't meant to have nicer things, that I was just suppose to settle for less and what was a necessity; basic, particle, useful. It's great to indulge once in a while especially when you worked for it...it just adds a little meaning to me being such a busy beaver since for a while I thought I was just working to eat, sleep, work, and die eventually.
Going back to the tattoo I feel I really found something that expresses me in a permanent symbol right below my neck. It was on the to do list of this year so when I think about it I'm losing weight, I got a tattoo, so now I just have to get a better job, place to live, a car, and go on the greatest vacation ever.
2 out of 6 goals in 3 months looks pretty good so far...I guess.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Randomniscity
I really can't connect the thoughts that I have right now. I can only toss them out like a new puzzle and try to see the bigger picture eventually.
I want to see my friends again, but every time I get a chance it's like the universe keeps me in a corner like a bad kid in school.
Sometimes I want time apart but the time we spend together turns into time well spent.
I really hate kids so damn much. The only thing that gives me a bigger panic attack than spending the rest of my life with brats is seeing a roach.
It's crazy that if you never try to do anything you're a loser
If you just seem to get by you're considered lucky
But what is the word for when you try your hardest and still don't succeed?
My kitties make me laugh, which is good because I don't laugh too often.
Everyone hates my boss, but there had to have been a time when she had dreams and she was the person everyone liked.
I really need to stop wishing everyday I was someone else because someone out there probably wishes they were me.
I want to see my friends again, but every time I get a chance it's like the universe keeps me in a corner like a bad kid in school.
Sometimes I want time apart but the time we spend together turns into time well spent.
I really hate kids so damn much. The only thing that gives me a bigger panic attack than spending the rest of my life with brats is seeing a roach.
It's crazy that if you never try to do anything you're a loser
If you just seem to get by you're considered lucky
But what is the word for when you try your hardest and still don't succeed?
My kitties make me laugh, which is good because I don't laugh too often.
Everyone hates my boss, but there had to have been a time when she had dreams and she was the person everyone liked.
I really need to stop wishing everyday I was someone else because someone out there probably wishes they were me.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Routine
Once again it's been a while since I last blogged, but my reason behind it was that everyday since the last time I posted has been the same day. That's such a bizarre and almost terrifying thought that for little over a week I was living the same day over and over again with out a change.
Kind of like groundhog's day but without Bill Murray and the lols.
Last Friday was a very hard day for me, and for the whole day I just wanted to give up on everything and anything that involved my life. As I sat in front of my desk I mechanically did my paper work, and filed orders, but on the inside all I wished for was to disappear. I imagined myself just fading away like those corny cliche movie tricks.
It's no surprise that behind all this angst was my mom lashing out at me with her overly harsh criticism on how poorly I am living my life. What was worse was after she had upset me she went on to say she was just kidding, but of course I knew she meant the things she had said. What was different this time is when she says things I usually believe they are wrong, but for once I thought, what if she's right? As possible as it is to achieve anything there's still equally or a greater possibility to not achieve anything.
Someone is always telling me what to do or how I'm not doing it right. What I have learned so far as that the people who bring me down are people who are already down themselves. Sometimes I feel like I am down there in that dark place and I feel the moments where I want to conform and give up on myself and just accept I can never go further than where I am now, but that's not me. I have to at least see the ending of this movie before I can say if it really sucked.
The weekend was spent on me just questioning everything to the point where it made me sick. Something that I frequently worry about is my relationship. I wonder if I am becoming less of a girlfriend and more of a nagging motherly figure, or just a girl friend with very special benefits. When these thoughts erupt I think back to my old roommate Roxanne, destroyer of friendships, queen of insecurity, duchess of douchebaggery, etc etc. I remember her saying that my relationship was nothing more than a honeymoon phase, and that everything will eventually fall into a monotonous burden. I wish she were here right now so I could punch her in the face with a brick, and not because I believe she was right, but because her own unhappiness in her loveless relationship always drove her to try and ruin other people's romances.
I take pride in my relationship when I say that when I see Kieran I still feel little flutters in my stomach, still blush a little when he gives me kisses, and get giddy when I get to see him. That's a pretty big deal since after 6 months with previous relationships I would already be bored and just wait until the relationship would collapse into a bad break up. I'm sure square-head children are in the distant future, until then I just have to say I am very happy, but to be honest there are things that were experienced before that haven't been around for a while and that's what makes me worry if I really am doing a good job or not.
There's still more that I think about, but I will save that for another blog entry and hopefully the next one will be a little bit more uplifting that this emo rant.
Kind of like groundhog's day but without Bill Murray and the lols.
Last Friday was a very hard day for me, and for the whole day I just wanted to give up on everything and anything that involved my life. As I sat in front of my desk I mechanically did my paper work, and filed orders, but on the inside all I wished for was to disappear. I imagined myself just fading away like those corny cliche movie tricks.
It's no surprise that behind all this angst was my mom lashing out at me with her overly harsh criticism on how poorly I am living my life. What was worse was after she had upset me she went on to say she was just kidding, but of course I knew she meant the things she had said. What was different this time is when she says things I usually believe they are wrong, but for once I thought, what if she's right? As possible as it is to achieve anything there's still equally or a greater possibility to not achieve anything.
Someone is always telling me what to do or how I'm not doing it right. What I have learned so far as that the people who bring me down are people who are already down themselves. Sometimes I feel like I am down there in that dark place and I feel the moments where I want to conform and give up on myself and just accept I can never go further than where I am now, but that's not me. I have to at least see the ending of this movie before I can say if it really sucked.
The weekend was spent on me just questioning everything to the point where it made me sick. Something that I frequently worry about is my relationship. I wonder if I am becoming less of a girlfriend and more of a nagging motherly figure, or just a girl friend with very special benefits. When these thoughts erupt I think back to my old roommate Roxanne, destroyer of friendships, queen of insecurity, duchess of douchebaggery, etc etc. I remember her saying that my relationship was nothing more than a honeymoon phase, and that everything will eventually fall into a monotonous burden. I wish she were here right now so I could punch her in the face with a brick, and not because I believe she was right, but because her own unhappiness in her loveless relationship always drove her to try and ruin other people's romances.
I take pride in my relationship when I say that when I see Kieran I still feel little flutters in my stomach, still blush a little when he gives me kisses, and get giddy when I get to see him. That's a pretty big deal since after 6 months with previous relationships I would already be bored and just wait until the relationship would collapse into a bad break up. I'm sure square-head children are in the distant future, until then I just have to say I am very happy, but to be honest there are things that were experienced before that haven't been around for a while and that's what makes me worry if I really am doing a good job or not.
There's still more that I think about, but I will save that for another blog entry and hopefully the next one will be a little bit more uplifting that this emo rant.
Monday, February 14, 2011
poop
The good and the bad is what I have to write about today so I will start with some of the bad, first being I have been slacking a little in this blog quest and that's a bummer on my end because I encouraged so many people to come along on this journey. The good news on that is I read everyone's blog and everyone is doing so well and really making great strides (big claps for you guys because I <3 you so much) Second is I'm getting back into the flow of the blog now that the worst of my fears are over and I can now think about all the wonderful things in life that I miss out on.
More of the bad is that over this weekend me and my dearest had a pretty huge blow up and a lot of things were said. Some of the things said towards me were pretty hurtful but it as my brain began to process everything I started to realize how much I have let myself down as an artist and just as a go-getter. For the past couple of months I have been debating in my mind whether or not I am just being a realist and just waiting for my time to shine and explode on the scene, or am I just giving in to this routine and being content with all this mediocrity? This is causing an internal identity crisis because I feel I can see myself surrounded by all these personas that I could be but I don't know who I am yet, and hopefully by the end of the year I will have a better idea of who I will be.
More bad with a plus, I was doing so well on my diet until this weekend where I just became so terrible because I ate a total of three pizzas, a cheesesteak, cheese fries, and then famous Dave's between Friday thru Sunday. I wish I could throw up everything but it has all been digested already, my tummy is happy but I'm not so I hit the work out hard today and plan on being extra strict to make up for that bad weekend.
Work is work, but a little less boring and I haven't found out yet what my pay raise is yet, but I hope it's a lot or else I am going to have an annoyed. So far it's a lot less boring than counting giant boxes of paper all day, but we shall see where it goes from here after all it's only been the first day.
Over the weekend Elaine and Dmitry came down to visit which was the best because I almost forgot how much fun and hilarious they are, which then in turn made me think about how crazy it would be to get everyone back together one day. I still miss everyone everyday, but it was a great little break from the loneliness with out the bros.
I know I've been saying this since day one, but I just have to keep saying it because I know it's true and that's good things are going to come my way and I just have to keep beingpositive
More of the bad is that over this weekend me and my dearest had a pretty huge blow up and a lot of things were said. Some of the things said towards me were pretty hurtful but it as my brain began to process everything I started to realize how much I have let myself down as an artist and just as a go-getter. For the past couple of months I have been debating in my mind whether or not I am just being a realist and just waiting for my time to shine and explode on the scene, or am I just giving in to this routine and being content with all this mediocrity? This is causing an internal identity crisis because I feel I can see myself surrounded by all these personas that I could be but I don't know who I am yet, and hopefully by the end of the year I will have a better idea of who I will be.
More bad with a plus, I was doing so well on my diet until this weekend where I just became so terrible because I ate a total of three pizzas, a cheesesteak, cheese fries, and then famous Dave's between Friday thru Sunday. I wish I could throw up everything but it has all been digested already, my tummy is happy but I'm not so I hit the work out hard today and plan on being extra strict to make up for that bad weekend.
Work is work, but a little less boring and I haven't found out yet what my pay raise is yet, but I hope it's a lot or else I am going to have an annoyed. So far it's a lot less boring than counting giant boxes of paper all day, but we shall see where it goes from here after all it's only been the first day.
Over the weekend Elaine and Dmitry came down to visit which was the best because I almost forgot how much fun and hilarious they are, which then in turn made me think about how crazy it would be to get everyone back together one day. I still miss everyone everyday, but it was a great little break from the loneliness with out the bros.
I know I've been saying this since day one, but I just have to keep saying it because I know it's true and that's good things are going to come my way and I just have to keep beingpositive
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
ooooooh W00T!
Today was the day I have been waiting for and that was to hear that I had passed my hair test at my job. Now I can finally go back to sleep at night with out the knots in my stomach keeping me awake. Thanks to everyone's support and concerns for me during this because it really helped.
Now to tackle some more obstacles!
Now to tackle some more obstacles!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
T.V Land
It was a lazy Sunday and my kitty and I slept in all morning together which was great because my crappy job kinda cuts in on me and noodle time.
Anyways it's no secret that I am pretty miserable without my bros and I've been lacking in the creative outlet for some time now. I know I need to get out of this funk and I've been hearing it a millions time from everyone that things will look up, keep being positive, and/ or not to worry. As much as I appreciate the huge boost of confidence from everyone I care about I'm really just waiting for that moment where things just align in my mind and everything just turns on. I'm going to get a little nerdy when I say that me getting back into the groove of things is like When Vegeta finally turned into a super saiyan, it was when he stopped trying so hard to be what he wanted and just said fuck it! (well of course he didn't say that but it would have been really cool) it wasn't until he did that that the universe came full circle and he turned super saiyan.
I just need to do the same. I just need to stop trying so hard to be someone Im not yet..if that makes any sense?
Today the stress was trying to take over me again, and I found a little escape from it by watching T.V. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my whole life was spent in front of the television and nothing ever bothered me until I wasn't watching t.v anymore. It got the gears in my head moving because I wasn't sitting in silence with my own terrible thoughts or listening to my parents.
If anyone has some good shows to watch let me know, so far I want to get into Community because it's super funny.
Anyways it's no secret that I am pretty miserable without my bros and I've been lacking in the creative outlet for some time now. I know I need to get out of this funk and I've been hearing it a millions time from everyone that things will look up, keep being positive, and/ or not to worry. As much as I appreciate the huge boost of confidence from everyone I care about I'm really just waiting for that moment where things just align in my mind and everything just turns on. I'm going to get a little nerdy when I say that me getting back into the groove of things is like When Vegeta finally turned into a super saiyan, it was when he stopped trying so hard to be what he wanted and just said fuck it! (well of course he didn't say that but it would have been really cool) it wasn't until he did that that the universe came full circle and he turned super saiyan.
I just need to do the same. I just need to stop trying so hard to be someone Im not yet..if that makes any sense?
Today the stress was trying to take over me again, and I found a little escape from it by watching T.V. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my whole life was spent in front of the television and nothing ever bothered me until I wasn't watching t.v anymore. It got the gears in my head moving because I wasn't sitting in silence with my own terrible thoughts or listening to my parents.
If anyone has some good shows to watch let me know, so far I want to get into Community because it's super funny.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Good Vibes
Finally after some hectic stress overload this month it's all starting to go down. My whole fear that I had this month is going to come to a close after tomorrow so I can now come out with it. Once again most of you already know this but now for the full story.
When I first started my job at the factory I was aware that people had to take drug tests in order to get the job, but I thought that only applied to forklift drivers and machine operators since I had been working there for some time and no one had said anything to me. The 3 months I thought I had free were really just a temp. position and after those months came the opportunity to become permanent, but only problem was a mandatory drug test that would involve a possible hair test.
Needless to say when I found out I wanted to vomit instantly on go on the highest mountain and cry. I thought of how loud my Dad would scream if I were fired from the job he got me and how the humiliation at his job would make him disown me forever. It was truly a sicking feeling, especially during that time he was screaming at me for the tiniest things. So I stopped smoking for a month and for the past weak I have been washing my hair with a combination for apple cider vinegar, clean and clear acne astringent, Tide, and baking soda (also prepping my hair with T/gel coal tar shampoo and suaves men deep cleaning shampoo)
Doing it once a day wasn't so bad but when the weekend came I did it 3 times a day. After a while the burning pain intensified and my forehead and the back of my ears were irritated and almost felt raw. The fumes made me very nauseous on sunday and a smelled bad from the whole process. This morning I washed my hair with a toxin wash and plan on washing my hair with a second toxin wash I bought just to be extra careful for tuesday. I'm a pretty light smoker so I feel after all these great (painful) lengths I have taken I finally feel I should be ok.
This whole thing has made me feel a roller coaster of emotions. I felt embarrassed about the situation, resentful about my life, and just plain angry. I literally felt like I was being singled out by the universe while everyone got to enjoying toking and not having to stress about something so damn stupid. Now I know that's not really the case and it's been a weird learning experience.
What started the good vibe was when I came clean about the whole ordeal to my mom and I was expecting her to scold me or add to the stress level, but she just said "Oh my God you worry too much you are going to pass that test it's not a big deal and if you fail just lie and demand to take the test again" I know I heard the same thing from everyone else, but there was just something special about when she said it. It was one of our rare mother daughter bonding moments.
I stayed with the good vibe and started my more intense work out regime to finally shed this weight and reach my goal by my 3rd year anniversary with my Kier-bear.
More good vibes to come (fingers crossed boys and girls)
When I first started my job at the factory I was aware that people had to take drug tests in order to get the job, but I thought that only applied to forklift drivers and machine operators since I had been working there for some time and no one had said anything to me. The 3 months I thought I had free were really just a temp. position and after those months came the opportunity to become permanent, but only problem was a mandatory drug test that would involve a possible hair test.
Needless to say when I found out I wanted to vomit instantly on go on the highest mountain and cry. I thought of how loud my Dad would scream if I were fired from the job he got me and how the humiliation at his job would make him disown me forever. It was truly a sicking feeling, especially during that time he was screaming at me for the tiniest things. So I stopped smoking for a month and for the past weak I have been washing my hair with a combination for apple cider vinegar, clean and clear acne astringent, Tide, and baking soda (also prepping my hair with T/gel coal tar shampoo and suaves men deep cleaning shampoo)
Doing it once a day wasn't so bad but when the weekend came I did it 3 times a day. After a while the burning pain intensified and my forehead and the back of my ears were irritated and almost felt raw. The fumes made me very nauseous on sunday and a smelled bad from the whole process. This morning I washed my hair with a toxin wash and plan on washing my hair with a second toxin wash I bought just to be extra careful for tuesday. I'm a pretty light smoker so I feel after all these great (painful) lengths I have taken I finally feel I should be ok.
This whole thing has made me feel a roller coaster of emotions. I felt embarrassed about the situation, resentful about my life, and just plain angry. I literally felt like I was being singled out by the universe while everyone got to enjoying toking and not having to stress about something so damn stupid. Now I know that's not really the case and it's been a weird learning experience.
What started the good vibe was when I came clean about the whole ordeal to my mom and I was expecting her to scold me or add to the stress level, but she just said "Oh my God you worry too much you are going to pass that test it's not a big deal and if you fail just lie and demand to take the test again" I know I heard the same thing from everyone else, but there was just something special about when she said it. It was one of our rare mother daughter bonding moments.
I stayed with the good vibe and started my more intense work out regime to finally shed this weight and reach my goal by my 3rd year anniversary with my Kier-bear.
More good vibes to come (fingers crossed boys and girls)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
M.I.Ass
I know I haven;t posted in a while and it's not because I was lazy or anything or literally had nothing to talk about.
It was just the problem I spoke about earlier that has been getting me down has been getting at me a little more and i didn't want to write about it everyday :/
I am still going through it but when this ordeal is over everything is going to go back to normal.
Wish me Luck!
It was just the problem I spoke about earlier that has been getting me down has been getting at me a little more and i didn't want to write about it everyday :/
I am still going through it but when this ordeal is over everything is going to go back to normal.
Wish me Luck!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Lonely
I felt like the day was bullying me today. It was a dreary morning and a boring afternoon at work. A little highlight though was when my sister randomly visited for about 20 minutes but then she left.
All day I was thinking of everyone and everything that made my life special, and how most of that isn't around anymore.
I really have nothing to look forward to except maybe Jersey Shore and the weekend, but other than that nothing is really exciting. My beautiful muses are far away and I really don't have any inspiration or motivation. I really don't know where this funk cloud came from, but maybe it's from all the feelings I have buried that I didn't want to face after graduation.
I miss having lunch with my bro's, I miss playing DnD and having tea at 3:30 in the morning, and I miss having parties with good people.
Parts of me just feel like they are missing or just fading away.
All day I was thinking of everyone and everything that made my life special, and how most of that isn't around anymore.
I really have nothing to look forward to except maybe Jersey Shore and the weekend, but other than that nothing is really exciting. My beautiful muses are far away and I really don't have any inspiration or motivation. I really don't know where this funk cloud came from, but maybe it's from all the feelings I have buried that I didn't want to face after graduation.
I miss having lunch with my bro's, I miss playing DnD and having tea at 3:30 in the morning, and I miss having parties with good people.
Parts of me just feel like they are missing or just fading away.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thinking
I feel a whole lot better than yesterday, but I still have so many thoughts that keep me up at night.
*pout*
*pout*
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Worst Month EVER
Since the beginning of January something has been eating me up alive. I haven't felt this much stress since final portfolio class. For those of you who know what it is I wont' go into detail, but for those of you who don't know I will explain the outcome of everything in February.
This incident makes me nauseous and keeps me up at night, it also makes me very cranky and irritable which is really hard not to be. I want it to be over so bad with good results because if not my world is going to take a hard hit. When I started this blog it was made to change my outlook on things and be more positive, but all I feel right now is super negativity.
Writing it down however releases some of the negativity and pressure, but I just know the next day it's going to resurface. I feel this way because everything is finally looking up for me, almost everything I ever wanted is about to be in my hands and I may lose all of it for being stupid so wouldn't it makes sense for the universe to take a big heaping shit on me? As if it were a big "HAHA" to my face that I thought all my dreams and hopes would come true?
That's the me talking that I am trying to change, the me that I want to be believes in this.
I have tried my whole life to do the right thing and so far succeed in being a decent individual. I have made common mistakes that don't deserve so much criticism for, especially for myself. This problem I have going on will be ok because I know I am just overreacting. I do this so if the worst happens I can at least say "I knew it" or if things don't blow up it'll be an overwhelming relief that I can laugh at in the future. I just have to remain positive and do everything I can to make this turn to my favor as much as possible.
It's times like this that I feel the knots in my stomach turn and ask myself "is karma really real?" Right now I just want the answer to this situation so I can move on because for this past month it feels like time has completely stopped and it makes me feel trapped and almost hopeless.
This incident makes me nauseous and keeps me up at night, it also makes me very cranky and irritable which is really hard not to be. I want it to be over so bad with good results because if not my world is going to take a hard hit. When I started this blog it was made to change my outlook on things and be more positive, but all I feel right now is super negativity.
Writing it down however releases some of the negativity and pressure, but I just know the next day it's going to resurface. I feel this way because everything is finally looking up for me, almost everything I ever wanted is about to be in my hands and I may lose all of it for being stupid so wouldn't it makes sense for the universe to take a big heaping shit on me? As if it were a big "HAHA" to my face that I thought all my dreams and hopes would come true?
That's the me talking that I am trying to change, the me that I want to be believes in this.
I have tried my whole life to do the right thing and so far succeed in being a decent individual. I have made common mistakes that don't deserve so much criticism for, especially for myself. This problem I have going on will be ok because I know I am just overreacting. I do this so if the worst happens I can at least say "I knew it" or if things don't blow up it'll be an overwhelming relief that I can laugh at in the future. I just have to remain positive and do everything I can to make this turn to my favor as much as possible.
It's times like this that I feel the knots in my stomach turn and ask myself "is karma really real?" Right now I just want the answer to this situation so I can move on because for this past month it feels like time has completely stopped and it makes me feel trapped and almost hopeless.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Up's=Down's
I might be driving soon, which would be pretty awesome. The weird part is I wouldn't know where to go or what to do. I would like to drive to visit all my bros in New Jersey and maybe go to the park in the spring.
I also might be getting a "promotion" soon at the factory which would mean obviously more money and hopefully enough to get a little place.
So car and more money, why do I still feel like a turd? Probably because I have given up on the car of my dreams, but at this point whatever has wheels is awesome to me, and the promotion will have me moved into the offices with the other women. I hate office work and women so that's going to be fun. Especially since these women are R-E-tarded they have no etiquette and if you replaced them with a bunch of chimps the job quality would still be the same.
I'm also really tired and bored out of my mind so I am a bit on the grump side. I wish things were more interesting and exciting but things just feel predictable. It's usually little things that really make my days a lot better like smiley faces in my text messages, when me and my cat take naps together, and/or little bit of romance. I got a letter from Rebecca today and all she said was that I should smile more and that she was proud of me and instantly I felt this warm feeling of appreciation that everyone deserves at least once a day.
I also might be getting a "promotion" soon at the factory which would mean obviously more money and hopefully enough to get a little place.
So car and more money, why do I still feel like a turd? Probably because I have given up on the car of my dreams, but at this point whatever has wheels is awesome to me, and the promotion will have me moved into the offices with the other women. I hate office work and women so that's going to be fun. Especially since these women are R-E-tarded they have no etiquette and if you replaced them with a bunch of chimps the job quality would still be the same.
I'm also really tired and bored out of my mind so I am a bit on the grump side. I wish things were more interesting and exciting but things just feel predictable. It's usually little things that really make my days a lot better like smiley faces in my text messages, when me and my cat take naps together, and/or little bit of romance. I got a letter from Rebecca today and all she said was that I should smile more and that she was proud of me and instantly I felt this warm feeling of appreciation that everyone deserves at least once a day.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Meh
Really wish I had my own place so I can adopt all the cats in the world
That's all I got for today
That's all I got for today
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Dazzle
Once again I skipped a day, but whatever that's not going to stop the year from being a great year.
Yesterday, I won tickets to see the premiere of No Strings Attached, but before that the dinner party for it was at a little place called The Plough and the Stars, a nice Irish restaurant. The night turned into a date night, which was awesome because me and Kieran never get to really go anywhere or do anything because we are so busy with work.
I must confess I have such a soft spot for romance movies and No Strings Attached was a pretty good one. It really reminds be of those butterflies in the stomach feeling you get when you first date someone. I use to be addicted to that little high which led to my flirty behavior when I was younger, lulz. I made a lot of mistakes relationship wise, but I was very lucky to come out of it with someone special.
I did a little speed painting today. I was looking up models for reference, but then I realized who needs douchey models when I know personally a bunch of wonderful people who look amazing. I want to improve on my photoshop and character design skills so I'm happy to say this is a good little start. I'm not trying to replicate any pictures but I do feel inspired, i'm lucky to know great people!
Yesterday, I won tickets to see the premiere of No Strings Attached, but before that the dinner party for it was at a little place called The Plough and the Stars, a nice Irish restaurant. The night turned into a date night, which was awesome because me and Kieran never get to really go anywhere or do anything because we are so busy with work.
I must confess I have such a soft spot for romance movies and No Strings Attached was a pretty good one. It really reminds be of those butterflies in the stomach feeling you get when you first date someone. I use to be addicted to that little high which led to my flirty behavior when I was younger, lulz. I made a lot of mistakes relationship wise, but I was very lucky to come out of it with someone special.
I did a little speed painting today. I was looking up models for reference, but then I realized who needs douchey models when I know personally a bunch of wonderful people who look amazing. I want to improve on my photoshop and character design skills so I'm happy to say this is a good little start. I'm not trying to replicate any pictures but I do feel inspired, i'm lucky to know great people!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Jersey Inspiration
I cannot wait for the snow to be gone and winter to roll out!
After I watch the Jersey Shore I can't get the thought of the beach out of my head. The sand and water and good times are so amazing. I can't wait to finally spend a decent summer weekend with all my bestest buddies.
I use to dread the beach even though it was one of my favorite spots. One being I was never in shape and two I was never with the right people. I was always with my family and they are uber boring. However this year I know is going to be great because I am trimming down and visualizing that black (or red) two piece and my shorts that use to fit many moons ago. I know this sounds like what I am going against the whole losing weight to look nice thing, but I have looked over many pictures of summers past and I am always hiding behind some one or something, ripping up a picture, or even just not being in any and looking like I was never there at all.
On top of the beach Kieran mentioned last summer about going to his family's vacation spot and we promised our selves this would be the year we would go and have a great time and looking great too. I see what I want to look like in the next 3 to 4 months and I can't wait!
After I watch the Jersey Shore I can't get the thought of the beach out of my head. The sand and water and good times are so amazing. I can't wait to finally spend a decent summer weekend with all my bestest buddies.
I use to dread the beach even though it was one of my favorite spots. One being I was never in shape and two I was never with the right people. I was always with my family and they are uber boring. However this year I know is going to be great because I am trimming down and visualizing that black (or red) two piece and my shorts that use to fit many moons ago. I know this sounds like what I am going against the whole losing weight to look nice thing, but I have looked over many pictures of summers past and I am always hiding behind some one or something, ripping up a picture, or even just not being in any and looking like I was never there at all.
On top of the beach Kieran mentioned last summer about going to his family's vacation spot and we promised our selves this would be the year we would go and have a great time and looking great too. I see what I want to look like in the next 3 to 4 months and I can't wait!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Ribbons
Yesterday I missed a post...bleh! I am trying not to feel bad about it so moving on.
Friday was a very intense day because it was the 3rd and final day of feuding with my Dad. Now comes the time of peace and where everyone pretends things are good until more fights come up in the future. It's a very predictable routine and fighting it hasn't gotten me anywhere so I just have to go with it.
Today I was straying away from my goals and the strong positive steam I had in the beginning of all this was fading. I felt the familiar feeling of just not believing in myself anymore cloud over me. I know I go into these moments of putting myself down because somewhere in my mind the more I do it the more it gives me the motivation later to do something. I don't know why this happens and why I can't just skip the bullshit and just go into the motivation part. I feel motivated right now to do more things but the trick this time is to actually hold onto to it and have something to finally show.
Talking to Kieran about it kind of put things in perspective, but there are just some things not adding up for me. He says that I just accept my circumstances and don't strive to work harder for the things I really want, which then leads to me being very miserable. However, I feel that I am just trying to be realistic and play the cards that I have been dealt with wisely. I don't want to be complacent and fall into some horrible cycle, but as of right now I have to be where I don't want to be and make the best of it.
When I came home I saw that there was a ribbon around one of my beloved cat statues. It was there because a few days ago my nephew broke it and my mom fixed it by re-gluing the pieces back and covering the cracks with a nice ribbon making the statue look even better than the day I bought it.I felt this overwhelming sadness when it broke but when I think about it now I feel this huge metaphor right in my face.
The statue, I feel, resembles my life just sitting there and existing. Then one day all this misfortune shatters my way of living, thinking and feeling. Just when I think things can't get any worse and that this is how things are going to be forever time passes and this ribbon, that I think represents my future, repairs everything and I will be a much better person than I was before. That is what I believe so far and I hoping I am not just talking a lot of shit.
*update*
On the weight loss thing I am almost at losing 20 pounds, how did I celebrate? I ate a donut! I was a little bad this week with the food (I blame my horrible period) but this week is a new week so it's time to get back into gear and lose 40 more pounds.
Friday was a very intense day because it was the 3rd and final day of feuding with my Dad. Now comes the time of peace and where everyone pretends things are good until more fights come up in the future. It's a very predictable routine and fighting it hasn't gotten me anywhere so I just have to go with it.
Today I was straying away from my goals and the strong positive steam I had in the beginning of all this was fading. I felt the familiar feeling of just not believing in myself anymore cloud over me. I know I go into these moments of putting myself down because somewhere in my mind the more I do it the more it gives me the motivation later to do something. I don't know why this happens and why I can't just skip the bullshit and just go into the motivation part. I feel motivated right now to do more things but the trick this time is to actually hold onto to it and have something to finally show.
Talking to Kieran about it kind of put things in perspective, but there are just some things not adding up for me. He says that I just accept my circumstances and don't strive to work harder for the things I really want, which then leads to me being very miserable. However, I feel that I am just trying to be realistic and play the cards that I have been dealt with wisely. I don't want to be complacent and fall into some horrible cycle, but as of right now I have to be where I don't want to be and make the best of it.
When I came home I saw that there was a ribbon around one of my beloved cat statues. It was there because a few days ago my nephew broke it and my mom fixed it by re-gluing the pieces back and covering the cracks with a nice ribbon making the statue look even better than the day I bought it.I felt this overwhelming sadness when it broke but when I think about it now I feel this huge metaphor right in my face.
The statue, I feel, resembles my life just sitting there and existing. Then one day all this misfortune shatters my way of living, thinking and feeling. Just when I think things can't get any worse and that this is how things are going to be forever time passes and this ribbon, that I think represents my future, repairs everything and I will be a much better person than I was before. That is what I believe so far and I hoping I am not just talking a lot of shit.
*update*
On the weight loss thing I am almost at losing 20 pounds, how did I celebrate? I ate a donut! I was a little bad this week with the food (I blame my horrible period) but this week is a new week so it's time to get back into gear and lose 40 more pounds.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Roller Coaster Day
*Update Since Yesterday*
After going on my rant about my disdain for my Dad, part 2 of the madness happened this morning. He didn't get enough of his yelling done the day before so the 12 minute car ride to work was just him yelling twice as loud at me then yesterday. There I was thinking all this time why did that secretary get me into so much trouble, why couldn't she do her job and tell my boss and supervisor I called out? Turns out she did tell them and my Dad looked like an utter douchebag for humiliating me. The best part of the day was when he tried to apologize and I just turned my back on him and went back to work. Sick burn...sick burn.
I was very emotional in the morning and I hated life and my mother and I texted back and forth all day. Our texts consisted of her consoling me, and me threatening to move out. The minute I get more money even by a dollar more on my salary I will leave. I figured I can still achieve this goal of having a better relationship with my parents as long as I don't have to live with them.
As this long day was coming to an end things started to look a little brighter, I was feeling less miserable, and I felt my mood stabilizing. I am still a little upset, but I did some shopping, mostly for my kitty and I had a tall cold glass of ginger ale. It was one of life's simple pleasures and it made me feel that things were going to be ok after all.
The neighborhood cat really likes our house for some reason, probably because we built him a nice little bed, give him free food daily, and I bought him a catnip ball. I wish I could bring him in because he's too adorable, fluffy and friendly. But I can tell he's a casanova cat because he knows what houses will give him the goods, but that ok because I will always give a cat whatever it wants whenever it wants...they are my only weakness.
One of my material goals is to get a tattoo, no a SWEET ASS tattoo. It has to involve a cat and I have found some good ones, but I don't know where to put it because I have this whole thing where I want to get tattoos after I get married. However, I am definitely not going to be married by the end of the year so there's a bit of conflict going on.
After going on my rant about my disdain for my Dad, part 2 of the madness happened this morning. He didn't get enough of his yelling done the day before so the 12 minute car ride to work was just him yelling twice as loud at me then yesterday. There I was thinking all this time why did that secretary get me into so much trouble, why couldn't she do her job and tell my boss and supervisor I called out? Turns out she did tell them and my Dad looked like an utter douchebag for humiliating me. The best part of the day was when he tried to apologize and I just turned my back on him and went back to work. Sick burn...sick burn.
I was very emotional in the morning and I hated life and my mother and I texted back and forth all day. Our texts consisted of her consoling me, and me threatening to move out. The minute I get more money even by a dollar more on my salary I will leave. I figured I can still achieve this goal of having a better relationship with my parents as long as I don't have to live with them.
As this long day was coming to an end things started to look a little brighter, I was feeling less miserable, and I felt my mood stabilizing. I am still a little upset, but I did some shopping, mostly for my kitty and I had a tall cold glass of ginger ale. It was one of life's simple pleasures and it made me feel that things were going to be ok after all.
The neighborhood cat really likes our house for some reason, probably because we built him a nice little bed, give him free food daily, and I bought him a catnip ball. I wish I could bring him in because he's too adorable, fluffy and friendly. But I can tell he's a casanova cat because he knows what houses will give him the goods, but that ok because I will always give a cat whatever it wants whenever it wants...they are my only weakness.
One of my material goals is to get a tattoo, no a SWEET ASS tattoo. It has to involve a cat and I have found some good ones, but I don't know where to put it because I have this whole thing where I want to get tattoos after I get married. However, I am definitely not going to be married by the end of the year so there's a bit of conflict going on.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A Failing Goal
I wasn't feeling very well today so I figured it was a good decision today to stay home. The bonus of staying home was that Kieran had off work today so while I felt sickies at least he would be there to make the day better. Before my Dad left to the factory he told me to call my boss and let her know that I wouldn't be in. Before doing this, yesterday I was sure to let my supervisor know that I may not come in (this day) because I wasn't feeling to good. So 8:30 in the morning rolls around and I call the factory promptly and the secretary (who knows me) says "No problem I will let Jill(my boss) and Bob (my supervisor) know right away that you will not be in."
If I knew the secretary was completely incompetent to deliver a simple message I would have just taken a painkiller , went to work, and avoid my Dad screaming at me like I just anally raped his mother and left her to die in a parking lot dumpster. I have worked almost 3 months at this crap factory and this was my only day off, I believe myself to be a decent worker and I admit I do make a few minor mistakes here and there, but I am a n00b so I will be kind of surprised if my boss or supervisor will be just as angry as my Dad was today.
My failing goal is that I still hate my parents and that makes me sad. I don't want to hate them or wish they would drop of the face of the earth, and I don't like to fantasize about never ever seeing them again and it actually bringing me relief. I don't understand why my Dad has to yell for everything and why my Mom has to belittle my existence.
I know some of my dearest friends are going through some financial hardships but I can't help feeling that I wish I could trade places with them. I would rather be in a financial ruin and be far away from my parents then to afford my payments and have to live with them. It's a terrible thing to say and feel but I just can't help it.
They make my life feel hopeless and I feel like a trapped animal. Surprisingly though after being yelled at for a good 5 minutes I took it all in, shed a few frustration tears, and kept my head up because in reality this crap life style can't last forever, also I had hugs from Kieran which is always the perfect remedy.
I want to leave them so bad, and this pisses me off because my Dad has the nerve to lecture me that I should be more loving towards my family, but how can that be possible when my family is a cluster of douchebags? I want to believe a year can undo my hatred I built up for them my whole life, but if I fail this goal to repair my relationship with them I won't be surprised.
If I knew the secretary was completely incompetent to deliver a simple message I would have just taken a painkiller , went to work, and avoid my Dad screaming at me like I just anally raped his mother and left her to die in a parking lot dumpster. I have worked almost 3 months at this crap factory and this was my only day off, I believe myself to be a decent worker and I admit I do make a few minor mistakes here and there, but I am a n00b so I will be kind of surprised if my boss or supervisor will be just as angry as my Dad was today.
My failing goal is that I still hate my parents and that makes me sad. I don't want to hate them or wish they would drop of the face of the earth, and I don't like to fantasize about never ever seeing them again and it actually bringing me relief. I don't understand why my Dad has to yell for everything and why my Mom has to belittle my existence.
I know some of my dearest friends are going through some financial hardships but I can't help feeling that I wish I could trade places with them. I would rather be in a financial ruin and be far away from my parents then to afford my payments and have to live with them. It's a terrible thing to say and feel but I just can't help it.
They make my life feel hopeless and I feel like a trapped animal. Surprisingly though after being yelled at for a good 5 minutes I took it all in, shed a few frustration tears, and kept my head up because in reality this crap life style can't last forever, also I had hugs from Kieran which is always the perfect remedy.
I want to leave them so bad, and this pisses me off because my Dad has the nerve to lecture me that I should be more loving towards my family, but how can that be possible when my family is a cluster of douchebags? I want to believe a year can undo my hatred I built up for them my whole life, but if I fail this goal to repair my relationship with them I won't be surprised.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Rough Patch
I've noticed that we are all going through some hard moments in our lives right now. Life's challenges seem like they are set on high and I could write paragraphs upon paragraphs of uplifting positive things, but that would mean repeating what we all know.
Times are hard, things seem hopeless and impossible, but it too shall pass.
Now is not the time to fall apart but take on these challenges and overcome them even if it feels like we aren't.
Times are hard, things seem hopeless and impossible, but it too shall pass.
Now is not the time to fall apart but take on these challenges and overcome them even if it feels like we aren't.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Winning battles but not yet the War
The day came for me, like many other college graduates, to start paying back student loans. Technically because of failing final portfolio and taking it as my only class the next quarter it made me look like a part-time student which jump started my grace period a month in advance so whoopie!
I'm over it, but I had to spend almost 2 hours sorting out the mess with all this debt and turning a 1200 monthly payment into a 800 dollar payment. I have succeeded in this, but in return I saw the car I wanted, the apartment I wanted to live in, and the future I desiredslip through my hands like sand. While this set back doesn't make my goals impossible it does push them a lot more into the future and harder to attain, unless I somehow finally make my stork proud of me. I'll post the video of what that actually means.
WARNING: May cause you to feel extremely depressed but at the same time incredibly enlightened
That being said I was a little disappointed in spending so much time trying to sort out all this money issue because the whole day I was thinking of getting down to some stuff after getting home from work. I know there is still time but not as much as I wanted. I think the saddest part of talking to these loan people was when the woman told me I was obviously too poor to afford the full payments, but that I made slightly too much to be eligible for the economic hardship deferment plan, and only by a couple hundred bucks too. So here I am trapped in middle class limbo, where the poor are gnawing away at my hard earned taxes and the rich are blocking my path for a better future with their turds.
Here are the WINS I took some adult steps today in lowering the payments and actually understanding my situation. For a long time if I didn't know something I would just pass the task on a smarter person, but a goal is to finally be the smart person and finally start understanding how the world works, and further more understanding how the world can work for me! I am also proud to say that my financial decisions have proven to be a wise choice and I don't feel too worried about making these payments, and finally cleaning my credit card. After wiping my card clean I was debating on rewarding my self with a brand new ipod (as to continue building credit on my card rather than just never using it again) or just being happy to be debt-free somewhere. I still waiting for my big win, but once again that is something I cannot go into detail until I know the outcome. (updates, I promise)
A mini goal for this week is to finally post some art by this weekend and make it a routine!
I'm over it, but I had to spend almost 2 hours sorting out the mess with all this debt and turning a 1200 monthly payment into a 800 dollar payment. I have succeeded in this, but in return I saw the car I wanted, the apartment I wanted to live in, and the future I desiredslip through my hands like sand. While this set back doesn't make my goals impossible it does push them a lot more into the future and harder to attain, unless I somehow finally make my stork proud of me. I'll post the video of what that actually means.
WARNING: May cause you to feel extremely depressed but at the same time incredibly enlightened
That being said I was a little disappointed in spending so much time trying to sort out all this money issue because the whole day I was thinking of getting down to some stuff after getting home from work. I know there is still time but not as much as I wanted. I think the saddest part of talking to these loan people was when the woman told me I was obviously too poor to afford the full payments, but that I made slightly too much to be eligible for the economic hardship deferment plan, and only by a couple hundred bucks too. So here I am trapped in middle class limbo, where the poor are gnawing away at my hard earned taxes and the rich are blocking my path for a better future with their turds.
Here are the WINS I took some adult steps today in lowering the payments and actually understanding my situation. For a long time if I didn't know something I would just pass the task on a smarter person, but a goal is to finally be the smart person and finally start understanding how the world works, and further more understanding how the world can work for me! I am also proud to say that my financial decisions have proven to be a wise choice and I don't feel too worried about making these payments, and finally cleaning my credit card. After wiping my card clean I was debating on rewarding my self with a brand new ipod (as to continue building credit on my card rather than just never using it again) or just being happy to be debt-free somewhere. I still waiting for my big win, but once again that is something I cannot go into detail until I know the outcome. (updates, I promise)
A mini goal for this week is to finally post some art by this weekend and make it a routine!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Week- END!
The weekend is over and tomorrow is work day. I feel sad because it's crazy to know that I have no real control over my own life and that it'll always be dictated by several other people.
An ambitious goal would be to say that one day I will be my own boss. Is it possible? Sure, why not, but when? That is what's so interesting about this whole one year blog project. The plan is to take out the how and document the when. When will I become my own boss? When will I have my own place? When will be the day that I will wake up and everything is the way I want it to be?
As of right now I am a lowly little factory worker. I am pretty sure my job is on the bottom of the work chain, but the perks are I am usually alone so I don't have to deal with people, I just have to take inventory of stocks so there goes some minimal responsibility, and all my co-workers are middle-aged men who hate to be there just as much as I do and surprisingly we have things in common.
What I do hate about the job is that my Dad got it for me. There is this added pressure that for one is not needed, and the other is that I am still stuck in the position as my Dad's Kid. I wonder if I was just some regular person off the street would people be as nice to me there without the fear of my Dad screaming at them if I were treated impolitely?
Everyday my hands get very grimy from the hard day's work and I will have moments where I look at them and think "these hands weren't meant to do this, they are meant to create stuff" I say to myself these are dues I have to pay in order to live the good life one day, but is that really the answer to the situation?
One thing I am working on as a goal is to let things just pass. When things seem their worst I just have to tell myself it can't last forever and it too shall pass. This is something Kieran often preaches to me, and I have finally decided to use it to bring the stress level down and I am happy to say it is working. I have thought of almost every situation where I have panicked to the point where I wanted to kill myself and then I thought of the outcomes and I was surprised to discover how some of those incidents ended not as bad as I thought they would.
As of right now my mind is set on thinking that even though I am factory worker, who still lives at home, has no car, and a huge debt to repay I know it too shall pass and I will wake up one day to see everything the way I want it.
An ambitious goal would be to say that one day I will be my own boss. Is it possible? Sure, why not, but when? That is what's so interesting about this whole one year blog project. The plan is to take out the how and document the when. When will I become my own boss? When will I have my own place? When will be the day that I will wake up and everything is the way I want it to be?
As of right now I am a lowly little factory worker. I am pretty sure my job is on the bottom of the work chain, but the perks are I am usually alone so I don't have to deal with people, I just have to take inventory of stocks so there goes some minimal responsibility, and all my co-workers are middle-aged men who hate to be there just as much as I do and surprisingly we have things in common.
What I do hate about the job is that my Dad got it for me. There is this added pressure that for one is not needed, and the other is that I am still stuck in the position as my Dad's Kid. I wonder if I was just some regular person off the street would people be as nice to me there without the fear of my Dad screaming at them if I were treated impolitely?
Everyday my hands get very grimy from the hard day's work and I will have moments where I look at them and think "these hands weren't meant to do this, they are meant to create stuff" I say to myself these are dues I have to pay in order to live the good life one day, but is that really the answer to the situation?
One thing I am working on as a goal is to let things just pass. When things seem their worst I just have to tell myself it can't last forever and it too shall pass. This is something Kieran often preaches to me, and I have finally decided to use it to bring the stress level down and I am happy to say it is working. I have thought of almost every situation where I have panicked to the point where I wanted to kill myself and then I thought of the outcomes and I was surprised to discover how some of those incidents ended not as bad as I thought they would.
As of right now my mind is set on thinking that even though I am factory worker, who still lives at home, has no car, and a huge debt to repay I know it too shall pass and I will wake up one day to see everything the way I want it.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Old Paths
Today was very uneventful because I just stayed over my cousin's house and watched movies. While doing this I came across the movie Quills. If you have Netflix I highly recommend the watch.
The movie reminded me of when I wanted to be a writer at one point in my life and how much you can affect people when you can reach them with your work.
I was thinking for the future to post some new works every week so I can finally affect people too.
The movie reminded me of when I wanted to be a writer at one point in my life and how much you can affect people when you can reach them with your work.
I was thinking for the future to post some new works every week so I can finally affect people too.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Reunion
The positive energy I was feeling yesterday was sucked out of me when my Mom finally came home from her vacation with her own mother. I know that sounds like a mean thing to say, but I am not trying to be. I was happy she was home especially since she brought me my favorite cookies you can only get in Puerto Rico, but the reason my positive energy took a nose dive when I saw her was because the time she spent away it was easy to feel good about myself.
I didn't have her making her backhanded compliments such as "Yeah I guess you lost weight, but you need a lot more to go." or "Thanks for trying to keep the house clean but I like it cleaner." Today was a little tough since she was showing me all the gifts she got me, which were clothes that were slightly too tight. I really believe she does this on purpose because in her mind she feels it will motivate me, but in reality it just motivates me to put them in the closet and forget about them until next year.
I also worry she is somehow going to ruin my diet/exercise routine because she absolutely hates when I work out in my room. She has this ridiculous fear that jumping around is going to cause the ceiling in the kitchen to collapses since my room is right above it.
However, I am sticking to this year self improvement project and I am going to tackle this with a good attitude. I would even say this is going to be just the challenge I need to over come a big step in my life because if I can get my relationship with my Mom better than that would be amazing.
While on this blog I have to make a small confession. The last blog about me trimming down not to be cute but to be more athletic is half and half. While I don't care to be cute for random people or for that matter friends and family there is someone I want to be attractive for again, and that person is obviously Kieran.
I'm not saying he doesn't find me attractive at all anymore, but I do have to stress some realism when I say the compliments don't come as much as they use to. It's not because he's a jerk, it's not because I think I am a whale, it's because somewhere along the way I did what most partners do in their relationship and that is stop trying.
Out of all the sweet things he has ever said to me the one that I remember the most was when we were walking down the streets of center city hand in hand and he said to me "I love being with you, I swear people step out of our way because they see how pretty you are." I'm making this a sub-goal to the whole weight loss thing and I have been making a few baby steps to become more feminine looking.
For example I stopped biting my nails 1. Because I am not as stressed out as I was in school, and 2. My job makes my hands look disgusting and I really don't want to put them in my mouth. So now they have grown a bit and make my hands look elegant. My next step is to do something with this hair and start dressing les like a factory worker and more like someone's girlfriend.
I didn't have her making her backhanded compliments such as "Yeah I guess you lost weight, but you need a lot more to go." or "Thanks for trying to keep the house clean but I like it cleaner." Today was a little tough since she was showing me all the gifts she got me, which were clothes that were slightly too tight. I really believe she does this on purpose because in her mind she feels it will motivate me, but in reality it just motivates me to put them in the closet and forget about them until next year.
I also worry she is somehow going to ruin my diet/exercise routine because she absolutely hates when I work out in my room. She has this ridiculous fear that jumping around is going to cause the ceiling in the kitchen to collapses since my room is right above it.
However, I am sticking to this year self improvement project and I am going to tackle this with a good attitude. I would even say this is going to be just the challenge I need to over come a big step in my life because if I can get my relationship with my Mom better than that would be amazing.
While on this blog I have to make a small confession. The last blog about me trimming down not to be cute but to be more athletic is half and half. While I don't care to be cute for random people or for that matter friends and family there is someone I want to be attractive for again, and that person is obviously Kieran.
I'm not saying he doesn't find me attractive at all anymore, but I do have to stress some realism when I say the compliments don't come as much as they use to. It's not because he's a jerk, it's not because I think I am a whale, it's because somewhere along the way I did what most partners do in their relationship and that is stop trying.
Out of all the sweet things he has ever said to me the one that I remember the most was when we were walking down the streets of center city hand in hand and he said to me "I love being with you, I swear people step out of our way because they see how pretty you are." I'm making this a sub-goal to the whole weight loss thing and I have been making a few baby steps to become more feminine looking.
For example I stopped biting my nails 1. Because I am not as stressed out as I was in school, and 2. My job makes my hands look disgusting and I really don't want to put them in my mouth. So now they have grown a bit and make my hands look elegant. My next step is to do something with this hair and start dressing les like a factory worker and more like someone's girlfriend.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Silver Side
Today was a good day, and I feel it's because of the change I am making. We all have good days but something was different about this day because there were times I wanted to be negative and think of a horrible situation that I know would never happen.
When these negative turds thoughts came up I would just take a deep breath and say to myself "No, I am not doing this anymore, just think happy thoughts." Just like that I felt a relief pass through me and and suddenly the day got a little bit better to deal with.
I received some good news that I won't spoil now and update the outcome of everything later.
One thing that happened today though that but my mood in medium level was my Dad giving me a lecture about trying not to be so negative, and nicer towards everyone in the household and just have a positive outlook on everything. I wanted to say "Uh, you're a couple days too late I realized this myself and I feel fine it's you guys that need to get on this too." But of course I didn't say that so I just let him talk. For some strange reason when he goes into these lectures or rants I get this over whelming feeling to cry because I never feel I am conversing but instead being talked at.
I'm happy to say that didn't happen this time I took it all in and just let it pass out because I know what I am doing now and how to handle my emotions better.
I'm sorry for keeping it short because I have so much more to write but I got a late start today so there will be much more tomorrow.
Progress Level I would say is at 10%!
When these negative turds thoughts came up I would just take a deep breath and say to myself "No, I am not doing this anymore, just think happy thoughts." Just like that I felt a relief pass through me and and suddenly the day got a little bit better to deal with.
I received some good news that I won't spoil now and update the outcome of everything later.
One thing that happened today though that but my mood in medium level was my Dad giving me a lecture about trying not to be so negative, and nicer towards everyone in the household and just have a positive outlook on everything. I wanted to say "Uh, you're a couple days too late I realized this myself and I feel fine it's you guys that need to get on this too." But of course I didn't say that so I just let him talk. For some strange reason when he goes into these lectures or rants I get this over whelming feeling to cry because I never feel I am conversing but instead being talked at.
I'm happy to say that didn't happen this time I took it all in and just let it pass out because I know what I am doing now and how to handle my emotions better.
I'm sorry for keeping it short because I have so much more to write but I got a late start today so there will be much more tomorrow.
Progress Level I would say is at 10%!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Self-Awareness
So a common resolution for people is to lose weight whether it be for health reasons or just for physical appearance. I want to lose weight too and have been on this path hmm...forever. At first it was to be cute and have everyone look at how cute I could be being a size 7. Now I'm curb stomping that notion because I could care less about being cute.
I want to lose weight because being a little person sucks, especially being a weak little person. Philadelphia is a rough disgusting city that one day I hope to leave, but until that happens I am here and I have to be tough. I really can't be a threat with jiggly arms and a gut so when it came to losing weight I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to get caught up in the glamor magazines of what society thinks a woman should look like or the stores that clearly cater to skinny people. (That means you H&M with your adorable clothes that never fit)
Every time I had an opportunity to become more athletic my parents would swoop it away and make up reason why I couldn't or shouldn't partake in such activities. When I was a kid I wanted to be in martial arts, but no money which ok I let that one go, then came cadet training, my mom felt it was no place for a woman, school sports was something I wanted to do but neither one of them wanted to pick me up or even go to the games, and finally the military because I really wanted to join the airforce, but they couldn't bare the thought of me joining the military with the whole Iraq/9/11 thing going on at the time.
With nothing to do I ate.
I really didn't like going outside to play with the other kids because I hated the other kids and the outside so I stayed in front of the tv with a whole box of fruity pebbles to myself and whatever else was around. As time went on I grew horizontally but not vertically, which was a disappointment to my mom because she swore I would be tall.
I would say from the 11th grade to my first year of college I was in the best shape of my life, but I flew too close to the thin sun and became severely anemic, and also college stress-eating played a huge part in the game. Once I realized my errors I made a conscious effort to eat better, but then something wonderful happened in April of 2008; me and Kieran Fallon became an item and that's when that happy fat rained down upon us with a fury.
Gaining weight and realizing it is a difficult thing, especially when I noticed a small double chin in the making and my clothes not fitting, but even with all that I kept a good attitude about it towards other people unless I was in private where I moaned and complained every second. But I absolutely can't stand when someone is overweight and they feel the need to be a jerk about it and take out their frustration out on other people. They will make snide remarks when someone attractive passes by, or over criticize themselves to fish for compliments and reassurance, or my personal favorite complain about their weight while they stuff their face with pizza or whatever. Build a bridge and get your fat ass over it!
Here I am now with a great diet that's actually working for me, exercising out regularly, and going from 190 to 175 this past 3 weeks. My goal for the weight loss is to drop down to 130, but also to have a lot more stamina and toned muscles instead of just dropping the weight and still feeling like play-doh.
Best of luck to everyone else on the same journey!
I want to lose weight because being a little person sucks, especially being a weak little person. Philadelphia is a rough disgusting city that one day I hope to leave, but until that happens I am here and I have to be tough. I really can't be a threat with jiggly arms and a gut so when it came to losing weight I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to get caught up in the glamor magazines of what society thinks a woman should look like or the stores that clearly cater to skinny people. (That means you H&M with your adorable clothes that never fit)
Every time I had an opportunity to become more athletic my parents would swoop it away and make up reason why I couldn't or shouldn't partake in such activities. When I was a kid I wanted to be in martial arts, but no money which ok I let that one go, then came cadet training, my mom felt it was no place for a woman, school sports was something I wanted to do but neither one of them wanted to pick me up or even go to the games, and finally the military because I really wanted to join the airforce, but they couldn't bare the thought of me joining the military with the whole Iraq/9/11 thing going on at the time.
With nothing to do I ate.
I really didn't like going outside to play with the other kids because I hated the other kids and the outside so I stayed in front of the tv with a whole box of fruity pebbles to myself and whatever else was around. As time went on I grew horizontally but not vertically, which was a disappointment to my mom because she swore I would be tall.
I would say from the 11th grade to my first year of college I was in the best shape of my life, but I flew too close to the thin sun and became severely anemic, and also college stress-eating played a huge part in the game. Once I realized my errors I made a conscious effort to eat better, but then something wonderful happened in April of 2008; me and Kieran Fallon became an item and that's when that happy fat rained down upon us with a fury.
Gaining weight and realizing it is a difficult thing, especially when I noticed a small double chin in the making and my clothes not fitting, but even with all that I kept a good attitude about it towards other people unless I was in private where I moaned and complained every second. But I absolutely can't stand when someone is overweight and they feel the need to be a jerk about it and take out their frustration out on other people. They will make snide remarks when someone attractive passes by, or over criticize themselves to fish for compliments and reassurance, or my personal favorite complain about their weight while they stuff their face with pizza or whatever. Build a bridge and get your fat ass over it!
Here I am now with a great diet that's actually working for me, exercising out regularly, and going from 190 to 175 this past 3 weeks. My goal for the weight loss is to drop down to 130, but also to have a lot more stamina and toned muscles instead of just dropping the weight and still feeling like play-doh.
Best of luck to everyone else on the same journey!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Reconstruction
As I start this year long journey I just have to get off my chest why I am doing this and the only way I can start is by saying what caused this mess I call my life.
I will start with my Mom, and how I reached a point where my brain developed a way to turn her voice into a murmured hum. If anyone knew the super-snotty cheerleader who was the popular mean girl from high school (or even the ones on tv) then remember how they were then imagine if she grew up to be your mom. While my Mom was never a cheerleader a day in her life she was the mean girl of her age and fragments have carried over to motherhood. As long back as I can remember there wasn't a day she hasn't called me fat or pointed out how fat I was getting.
Up next is my Dad, his extreme bipolar disorder (which has never been treated and never will be) is something I don't think I can ever really forgive. While my Mom and Sister did receive the worst of his behavior they still accepted it while complaining together about it behind his back. I, other hand, could never stand his constant need to humiliate and offend people just to feed his withering ego. Aside from his screaming I'd have to say the worst trait about him is how he makes me feel like my life would have been NOTHING if it weren't for him and that I am just an idiot and will always be an idiot because my brain should have been put in my ass and not my head. His parenting reminds me a lot like my paycheck, his personality is as gray as the paper, and I just take the money and the parenting is done.
Finally is my Sister. I don't even know where to begin with her, but for starters every bad habit about my parents is mashed up to make her personality. Her insecurity over her overweight body always finds a way to make me have a guilty feeling towards my own body, she will randomly yell and offend anyone for even the minimalistic disagreement, and she has perfected the art of lying and deceiving.
I write this about them not to be a jerk towards them and just rant about how they are mean towards me sometimes, but because it's really how I feel and it's the foundation of why I need this change in my life. Too long have I let their opinions and harsh words bring me down to the point where if the world ended it would be perfectly ok, even almost a relief. To be fair they are not like this all the time. I do enjoy when my Mom makes me clothes and yells at my Dad when he makes upset, when my Sister wants everyone to play board games and says she loves everyone, or when my Dad makes corny jokes and takes everyone out to dinner. Unfortunately there are more bad times than good which has led me to not even be happy anymore when the good times roll around because I know it's only a matter of time before everything fades back into a dark place to be in
The slow painful realization that I have lived my live all wrong just to please them has made me feel, for the last couple of years, an anger and self-loathing that has consumed me. For anyone who knows me they know I can be very angry, hateful, proud, spiteful, unforgiving and sometimes hurtful, but that I try hard to be kind, patient, helpful as possible.
I do want to change my life and accomplish things, lose weight, and find a better job, but the real main goal for this year is to build a new foundation in my life and change myself completely. I'm tired of the whole angry, sarcastic, negative persona because that's not how I want to be remembered at all. Everyday I think of the person I really wanted to be and how if only I knew then what I know now I would be that person today.
If I could be the perfect person I would have to say it would be comprised of Dan's carefree-ness, Gee's humor, Jack's charm, Elaine's courage, Jess's amicability, Kieran's infinite knowledge, Eric's harmony, Andres's talent, and Nicole's fashion sense. I know in actuality I can't be these people or posses their traits, but I can say they (and many other people) continue to inspire me and motivate me. Also my family motivates me too for change because I am tired of feeling resentful and borderline hateful towards them. I just really want to start over again and at least say i tried if I fail at this.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Chopping Blogs
I'm pretty excited to finally have a blog, and I'm hoping to utilize this blog to help promote myself as an artist, and also get back into writing.
The last time I ever did any thing like this I was in high school and I used xanga (So lame >_<) but I had a good little blog going and I even had a good following. Probably because I limited my teen angst and wrote interesting notes, questions, and stories for people.
Before I start getting into anything I'm going to hunt down some people and get back in the loop of things. I also want to use this blog to help me keep track of goals so I don't drift back into a routine of wasting time.
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